Near Breaking

Well, yeah. I think "about to break" is the best way to put it.

I've been really stressed, with the speech tournament and Nerdfighter gathering this weekend. And I think I failed today's half of the math test. And NaNo ends tomorrow and I'm probably not gonna win.

I'm exhausted. I haven't been sleeping well, which isn't really saying much because I never really did sleep all that well with a time limit. It takes me ages to fall asleep and I'm exhausted in the morning and that piles on everything else.

But I'll be fine, because my mom is coming back tomorrow and things will be easier and there will be a nerdfighter gathering and so on. I'll be fine, I'm just not extremely fine right now.

I apologize for the mopey post. And now I'm off to do homework and stress some more.

Bus Ride

Today was overcast, in that depressing way that winter days sometimes are.

I got on the bus at 4 o'clock or so, because it's always late. Really it should pick us up at 3:30. It sucks.

Anyway, I got on the bus, and there were three of us - my friends and I - so I sat alone while they sat in a seat farther in front. Two guys were sitting across from me, one in front, and one diagonal-front.

I was looking out the window when I heard Diagonal-Front say -

"You only have one friend, you need to get a life, and you're a faggot."

Across #1 said, "Who, me?"

"Yeah, you."

"No, I - I have more than one friend. You know J?" (I'm not putting his full name in.)

"Yeah, yeah. I know him. He's - he's in my history class. And he hates you and he thinks you only have one friend, you need to get a life, and you're a faggot."

"No...no, he doesn't."

"Yeah, he does."

"Who do you have for history?"

"Uhh...Ms. L."

"Oh, she's the worst," said Front.

"He hesitated," said Across #2. "He had to think about it."

"He's in my history class. Isn't he in my history class?" Diagonal-Front asked Front.

"Yeah," said Front.

"He thinks you're a homophobic gay. You're afraid of gays and you are a gay." (Seriously. GRAMMAR. Okay, sorry.)

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard," said Across #1, but he didn't sound certain.

"You should convert to Judaism. They'd let you be gay."

It went on like that for a while. And I didn't say anything. I should have said, "Fuck off." Or "You're an idiot if you think 'gay' is an insult." Or "You don't have to be such a dick." Or something. There was so much I could have said.

But I didn't, and Diagonal-Front got off the bus, and it passed. But I could see, in my furtive glances across the aisle, that Across #1 was still hurting. And I should have said something.

This Time Last Year

Just today I've been thinking back to last year.

It's been nearly a year since I created this blog, and that year may have been one of the most tumultuous periods of my life, including some of the hardest things I've done.

This time last year I was depressed and thoroughly terrified of the prospect of going to Israel, which frankly I had a right to be because it was one of the hardest things I've ever done, but it turned out for the better. This time last year I was still in eighth grade. This time last year I hadn't yet watched Doctor Who. This time last year I still had writer's block constantly to some extent. This time last year, hell, I was still writing last year's NaNo novel - it's a story I have yet to finish.

In some ways, this time last year, I was an entirely different person.

Those People: a Thanksgiving Follow-Up

I can get to be a bit of an emotional wreck. I tend to beat myself up over things for a long time after they've happened, and it can get bad.

But I've realized lately that there are some people who really help me with that and balance me out, so to speak. I've always had someone like that, or a set of someones. Sometimes it was my family, sometimes friends, sometimes others.

Often they're people I don't see as much, and I spend a lot of time imagining hypothetical conversations or situations or what they might be doing at the moment. And when they see them, I feel so happy.

I want to thank those people. They may or may not know how much they've done for me, but I love them all.

They make my universe a better place.

Spotified Owlery

As you might notice, it's 1:30 am ish.

Why am I not asleep?

Well, Spotify. Just got one, and it's addictive.

And Skyping with my girlfriend. So yeah, that's me at 1 am.

I really should sleep. But Spotify...Skype...Facebook...Youtube...

An Open Letter to the Universe (Thanksgiving)

Today is Thanksgiving. I went to my friend Noah's house as usual and there was endless food and I got a novel to read and I had excellent book conversations and I got Noah reading Looking for Alaska, which is an amazing book. I just love it so much.

I felt like I should make a Thanksgiving post. Because there is a lot to be thankful for in my life. So:

An Open Letter to the Universe

Dear universe,

I'm thankful that I exist, and that I exist in this way, and my improbably precarious life is the way it is even though it could have turned out a thousand different ways. I'm thankful that there is a lot to learn and there are so many things that can be done.

I'm thankful for my family and my friends and my girlfriend and my teachers and the new people that I meet and everyone that helps me and everyone that loves me. I am thankful that people tolerate me. I am thankful that people listen. I'm also thankful that there are the idiots who annoy me and give me bad days for good stories. I am thankful for YouTube and Facebook and the lovely Internet. I am thankful for books and music and art.

I am thankful for metaphors and wonderful coincidences and epiphanies and beautiful connections.

I'm thankful for all the wonderful authors and creators and intellectuals and inspiring people around me. I am thankful for this messed-up world.

Thank you, universe, for everything.

Sincerely,

Shira

Bad, Bad, Bad at Decisions, Decisions, Decisions: Planning Edition

Me: Hmm. I want to meet my girlfriend's friends!
Me: Over Thanksgiving!
Me: Why don't I start a Facebook group message!

(a few days pass)

Me: (in chat) So, what are we thinking to do? Where? Any ideas? There aren't any movies I particularly want to see...

(hours later)

Me: Hmm. No replies.

(an hour later)

Me: What are we doing tomorrow?
Girlfriend: I don't know, text me when you figure it out.

(after procrastinating endlessly, attempting to contact other people, and failing)

Me: AHH!
Me: What to do?
Me: Harvard Square? I sort of know it and anyway you can find most things there...
Me: Central Square? I used to live there and there are nice places...
Me: Just a café? But what would we do?
Me: Where do they live anyway?
Me: WHICH DO I CHOOSE?!

Awesomeness of Life

I've said it before and I'll say it again: I think my life is awesome.

I'm really happy with where I am today, right now. Before Thanksgiving, at high school, maybe not exactly at the perfectly ideal balance between what I like to do, what I need to do, and what is good for me, but pretty close. I have textbooks I can read so I can learn more about our vast universe. I have a speech cutting to do so that I can share the beauty of speaking with the world. I have friends. I have a girlfriend. I love the people I know. I have a vacation coming up. I can do what I like.

And who knows, maybe tomorrow I won't like where I am. But today, I really like it. And really, I'm happy with where I am now, it's just the future that sometimes distorts my view.

I've decided that I will stay in the school I am now, because I like the people and I like the freedom and I like being able to find out random things from other people's textbooks and I like theater and I like speech and I like having not too much ballet and I like being able to read books that aren't assigned to me and I like being able to choose to read old classical literature and I like writing essays of my choice and I like getting the best grades in the class (sorry, that is a bit conceited, but I am arrogant, so oh well). The uncertainty of schools was making me really unhappy, so I have decided, and I am taking the path which will cause me less stress and cause my friends less pain, even if I will not study Latin in school or read endless amounts of ancient Greek literature. I am happy. And I am here.

School: the Upside

I know John Green talked about this in one Vlogbrothers video but here I go at saying it again.

School. A lot of kids hate it.

First, let's define school. School is a (currently mandatory) institution or program of several years in which people (most often children) are taught things that the world has deemed integral, and sometimes more.

That sounds wonderful to me. Why do people dislike it?

Seriously, I mean, apart from the work, school is awesome. History and science and math and languages and writing and art and music - aren't those things amazing? We have the privilege of being able to find out about the work of almost all of human history, all that we ever strived to figure out and put together - we get to take all that in and process it and think. And we don't have to pay for it.

Some people look at school as a preparation for life. But what about now, about all the things you know and understand and think about? What about all the wonderful things you write and read and find out? We get to spend most of our days discovering new things. Why do we so despise the idea?

The best part is that loving learning and finding out new things makes it easier. It's always easier to do things that you love or at least don't hate. I find that appreciating the things that people teach me makes them much more meaningful. And the whole point of school is to teach us the things that mean something.

I like school, if you hadn't noticed. I like knowing things and understanding how the world works. That's what school is all about.

IHOP Night

Well, last night was opening night, and tonight was middle night, and both were SO AWESOME, and then we went to IHOP.

We arrived and sat down and took superlong to decide what we were ordering and I ended up getting hot chocolate and pancakes. They were good, if sugary. It wasn't really the food that counted.

We were the only group in the small IHOP universe for a while, and then this other cast from somewhere arrived. They were juniors and seniors. At first we kept to ourselves, then we mingled a bit, then this girl named Kate made a speech and everyone applauded and then.

One guy from the other table comes over to her with a napkin.

Him: Hey.
Him: I just met you.
Kate: ...?
Him: And this is crazy.
Him: But here's my number.
Him: So...
Him: Call me, maybe?

At which point everyone screamed and clapped and went insane. It was excellent. I was hyper. We took a photo that near-perfectly embodies our existence as a group. Our director left eventually, and then people started leaving. But I had the time of my life.

Later, when we were leaving, some people from the other table, who we didn't really know at all, came and hugged us. I really, really like theater people. Generally amazing and somewhat insane.

I love all of the people in Frosh play. There is simply nothing like it. I love our closeness as a cast, how well we know each other, how we have inside jokes and we always have something to talk about. It's kind of beautiful. I'm going to have serious post-play depression. It's culminating in closing night tomorrow. I don't want it to end. I've loved every minute, and I'll miss it so much. All the work, everything - it ends up glorious. Glorious enough that I can get all sappy and sentimental like I am.

Developments

I've been neglecting this blog lately. So much to do, so little time!

I'm in Frosh play, which is showing this week. It's exciting! But tons of work! But so much fun! I've been staying at school for 10-13 hours every day this week, including 8 hours on Saturday.

Term ended last week. You have no idea how happy I was that the projects and tests were over...and now I have more projects and tests. Huzzah, fun times. (Wince.)

I got a pass for Pax East! It's in March! I'm so excited! I'm going with my girlfriend, who actually knows stuff about video games, but this is apparently Nerd Central, so I'm off to see what I can see!

Also, it's NaNoWriMo.

You: But Shira, shouldn't you be writing?
Me: Yes, yes I should.
You: How far along are you?
Me: Um... *turns red*

Yeah. Not big on the progress. Lots to do tomorrow, since there is no school...