One Year

Yep.

I realized today that it's been exactly one year since I went to Israel for six months. Which I now classify as one of the hardest, but ultimately one of the best, experiences of my life.

I really do think I changed immensely in Israel. I became aware of the strangeness of my life, the differences between cultures and languages, and the benefits of free time. I also learned enormous amounts about myself and my relationships with other people, and how much things can feel amazing or horrible, and how much things can change with a difference in outlook.

There is a quote from the declamation piece I am doing (it's J. K. Rowling's Harvard commencement speech from 2008) that goes as follows: "You will never truly know yourself, or the strength of your relationships, until both have been tested by adversity." I think that really embodies what I learned: even as I moved away, my friendships remained. As time went on, of course, I forgot a little who they really were, but I came back and we were still friends, for all that each of us had changed. "Such knowledge," JKR continues, "is a true gift, for all that it is painfully won." Yes, it hurt like hell, leaving here. Yes, I suffered enormously at times. Yes, there were times when I was going practically insane. But I learned so much. About myself, about others, about the world. Different places really change how you think and feel. I really believe that, even if I don't seem to have changed so much, I am a different girl than the one who embarked on the most terrifying journey of her life one year ago, in many respects.

I think this change was part of what allowed me to be happy. I could not be fully happy in Israel because I was always missing the other half of me, the one from America. But when I came back I realized I would always miss some part of myself, and I have always lived in want of another place or another time. But the time is now, and I have decided to be happy, because it is good for me. That is another thing I learned in Israel: if you accept what you have, it becomes much better. I was sad and depressed and moping at first there, then I decided to like what I could like and see what would happen. I suddenly became much better friends with several people. I started talking. I started having more fun.

Though I have often been sad and confused about this, and no doubt will be again, I think that it was ultimately one of the best things I've ever done. For myself, for those around me, for my outlook. That's not to say I will do it again, because it was very difficult and I don't think I could. But as long as I live I think I will keep telling this story. Now I just have to find the next one.

School: the Upside

I know John Green talked about this in one Vlogbrothers video but here I go at saying it again.

School. A lot of kids hate it.

First, let's define school. School is a (currently mandatory) institution or program of several years in which people (most often children) are taught things that the world has deemed integral, and sometimes more.

That sounds wonderful to me. Why do people dislike it?

Seriously, I mean, apart from the work, school is awesome. History and science and math and languages and writing and art and music - aren't those things amazing? We have the privilege of being able to find out about the work of almost all of human history, all that we ever strived to figure out and put together - we get to take all that in and process it and think. And we don't have to pay for it.

Some people look at school as a preparation for life. But what about now, about all the things you know and understand and think about? What about all the wonderful things you write and read and find out? We get to spend most of our days discovering new things. Why do we so despise the idea?

The best part is that loving learning and finding out new things makes it easier. It's always easier to do things that you love or at least don't hate. I find that appreciating the things that people teach me makes them much more meaningful. And the whole point of school is to teach us the things that mean something.

I like school, if you hadn't noticed. I like knowing things and understanding how the world works. That's what school is all about.

Things you like to do

I heard somewhere that you can choose what you do, but you can't choose what you like to do.

This may be obvious to some, but to me it was an entirely new idea. For a long time I'd had these love-hate relationships with things in my life such as music and dance. Many people love them, but I didn't. I thought if I worked hard at them, I would love them. But no. There are some things I simply don't like. It was kind of hard for me to accept that.

Because my whole life I'd felt like there were things I should like and things I shouldn't, based on what other people liked or didn't. There are things that are hard to let go of. It was just as hard as letting go of a façade or breaking a tradition I'd had for my whole life. It's difficult, but after that it feels like things suddenly got easier.