BUA

I just went to visit BUA. And right now I am so confused.

Not only did about half the students there tell me I should have applied, two of the teachers did, and the rest seemed to like me fairly well.

And you know what else? I really want to apply. But I also don't. But I do, but I don't.

I don't because I love my friends and community and speech team. I do want to go because, well, because it's BUA.

But the thing is, they usually admit only people coming for freshman and sophomore year. And I missed that chance. And I'm worried now that I missed my chance at everything else, because I don't have time to do all the things I want to do. I live for knowing, for being among the educated, for having a reason to be superior. Why did I not realize back in the fall that this was my best chance?

Don't get me wrong - if nothing else, I'm glad I went and saw the place. It's going to give me motivation in my independent studies.

But I am so, so confused. And I'm worried that I've missed my chance at everything I've wanted, and that I'll never get one like this again.

Awesomeness of Life

I've said it before and I'll say it again: I think my life is awesome.

I'm really happy with where I am today, right now. Before Thanksgiving, at high school, maybe not exactly at the perfectly ideal balance between what I like to do, what I need to do, and what is good for me, but pretty close. I have textbooks I can read so I can learn more about our vast universe. I have a speech cutting to do so that I can share the beauty of speaking with the world. I have friends. I have a girlfriend. I love the people I know. I have a vacation coming up. I can do what I like.

And who knows, maybe tomorrow I won't like where I am. But today, I really like it. And really, I'm happy with where I am now, it's just the future that sometimes distorts my view.

I've decided that I will stay in the school I am now, because I like the people and I like the freedom and I like being able to find out random things from other people's textbooks and I like theater and I like speech and I like having not too much ballet and I like being able to read books that aren't assigned to me and I like being able to choose to read old classical literature and I like writing essays of my choice and I like getting the best grades in the class (sorry, that is a bit conceited, but I am arrogant, so oh well). The uncertainty of schools was making me really unhappy, so I have decided, and I am taking the path which will cause me less stress and cause my friends less pain, even if I will not study Latin in school or read endless amounts of ancient Greek literature. I am happy. And I am here.