At night, after the party

As the color fades around my eyes, I stare ahead, hearing the angels' voices sing
on the breeze, on the breeze.

As the water chills in the glass, I pour it down my throat, feeling ice
on my lips, on my lips.

Recalling the fading light and a sea's wind and a fleeting wildness
in my blood, in my blood.

As the music pounded in my ears, in my feet,
in my blood, in my blood.

And the sun escaped below the horizon, red and glistening with pearls
of sweat, pale sweat.

And songs tore from within me, within me
and my feet danced under me, under me
and a turtle's image appeared on my arm

And it was nothing if not everything

Because without the wild
what is there to the world?

Only Human

There are days like today when perhaps I'm sick and can't deal with it and it would be a pretty okay day if not for that feeling.

It's that feeling of not wanting to. Not wanting to do what I must, not wanting to be in school, not wanting to - dare I say it - learn.

Sometimes I wonder: what would happen if I stopped trying? What would happen if I stopped wanting to know everything? What would happen if I devoted myself to things that matter less to society but often more to me?

I don't know, honestly.

There was a time when I didn't need it. There was a time when I learned because it was in the books I read, because I didn't feel obligated. Now, somehow, it's become something I need to do.

Now, it eclipses me sometimes. And I will look at myself, look at what I'm doing, look at what I'm studying. And no matter how much I try to suppress the thought, it crops up anyway: Why do I even care?

I don't know. I don't know.

It's days like these when I physically cannot do my homework. But that's not the worst part. The worst is that I don't care that I can't. It doesn't matter to me.

It doesn't matter.

This scares my American self, terrifies the hell out of her. What is she if not her information? What is she if not a learning machine?

I'm tired, so very tired. Not in terms of lack of sleep necessarily, because that's normal. I'm tired because I have not rested in so long.

I have not deigned to let myself try to write a story. I don't dare. Because my studious self has learned to stay away from things at which she is less than satisfactory. I have not devoured a book in a long time. I have not painted anything in ages. I have not sat down to make something merely for myself (rather than because it will take me somewhere).

I'm not very sick, but I can't do it. I can't go to school tomorrow. It's an odd feeling. I've liked going to school all this year. It's been a good year, really it has. And today it's like I hit a wall. I don't know.

I need a day off in which to make music. Make art. Read for ages. Cut a speech piece. Do homework, but very little.

I think everyone is supposed to feel this way once in a while. But for a time this afternoon I didn't know what was happening to me. Why was I not doing homework at five thirty? Why did I have no inclination to work at eight? Why not?

Because I'm human. I'm only human. Narcissistic and haughty and ridiculous as this one of my selves is.

Human is all I am.

Developments

I've been neglecting this blog lately. So much to do, so little time!

I'm in Frosh play, which is showing this week. It's exciting! But tons of work! But so much fun! I've been staying at school for 10-13 hours every day this week, including 8 hours on Saturday.

Term ended last week. You have no idea how happy I was that the projects and tests were over...and now I have more projects and tests. Huzzah, fun times. (Wince.)

I got a pass for Pax East! It's in March! I'm so excited! I'm going with my girlfriend, who actually knows stuff about video games, but this is apparently Nerd Central, so I'm off to see what I can see!

Also, it's NaNoWriMo.

You: But Shira, shouldn't you be writing?
Me: Yes, yes I should.
You: How far along are you?
Me: Um... *turns red*

Yeah. Not big on the progress. Lots to do tomorrow, since there is no school...

Speeeech

This happened a week ago. But whatever.

I had a speech tournament. My first.

It was a novice tournament, so everyone there was doing it for the first time, but it was still stressful. The night before I was utterly hyperventilating. But whatever.

I got up at 5:50 on last Saturday. (Yeah. Crazy, I know.) I put on my skirt suit and my makeup, packed a bag, ate a small breakfast, and drank some coffee. I got to school at seven and bundled into a car with three other sleep-deprived competitors. The driver (a parent) had gotten us munchkins, which was nice.

After an hour-long drive, we arrived at Most Catholicly Named School Ever, aka Sacred Heart. We put our bags down in the cafeteria/gym place (I really didn't get it either), then found an empty room in which we could do voice and body warm-ups. After that we returned to the cafeteria and checked the postings for where we would be competing. Then came the nerve-wracking first round.

For a first-ever round, I think it went pretty well. Nerdfighteria was included in the speech I presented, and one of the judges was a Nerdfighter  - I saw her smiling at me the whole time and, as I found out later, she wrote DFTBA on my ballot!

I was still nervous, though, and I was pretty much shaking when I came back to my seat. It turns out I got my lowest ranking in that round - third out of six places - but that's not bad either.

The second round was far easier, but my stomach kept growling at odd intervals. I was so tired that I hadn't noticed how hungry I was, and ended up having to surreptitiously stuff sunflower seeds in my mouth between speakers. That was awkward. But my speech went fine, and I got ranked second!

Then it was lunch/critically review your performance in the first two rounds with your friends/critically review other people's performances in the first two rounds with your friends/re-apply makeup/freak out all over again time. *cue elevator music*

Anyway, then there was the third round, in which I was also ranked second, and then we had time to sit around and do nothing/take photos with other team members. And then we went to the auditorium, where there were seniors who had competed in NFL (that's National Forensic League) finals, and they presented their pieces. There was a girl who did declamation just amazingly, a spectacular duo interp of Dr. Jekyll and Hyde, a phenomenal extemp person (where you're given like 30 minutes to prepare a speech and then you present it), and a hilarious humorous interp. It sort of made you think, "Why do I do this again?" but it was quite entertaining to watch.

Then there were awards for anyone who'd gotten first place, which I hadn't, and then we got our ballots, took a team picture, and went home. We were all simply exhausted, though I was vaguely hyper on the fact that two of the six people who had judged me were Nerdfighters.

People ask why I do speech, why I take the time to write and practice and wake up at 5:50 and give away my Saturdays. First, you get to talk all day, and people have to listen. Second, why does anyone do a sport or play music or make art? Because they like it, or because they want to get better at it. I love words. I love moving people with words. And that's what speech is all about.

Le fin du voyage

I suppose this was always coming.

But now I'm not typing from our living room in Tel Aviv but from our (notably larger) living room in Newton.

It's strange being back, and I'm not really sure how I feel about it yet. Weird. Now I won't have to put the tag "Israel" in the labels...

I just don't want things to be exactly as they were. I want that time in another place to matter.

Anyway - here goes for summer! If you're American, happy fourth of July! If not, happy fourth of July anyway!

(The French title means "the end of the journey.")