Only Human

There are days like today when perhaps I'm sick and can't deal with it and it would be a pretty okay day if not for that feeling.

It's that feeling of not wanting to. Not wanting to do what I must, not wanting to be in school, not wanting to - dare I say it - learn.

Sometimes I wonder: what would happen if I stopped trying? What would happen if I stopped wanting to know everything? What would happen if I devoted myself to things that matter less to society but often more to me?

I don't know, honestly.

There was a time when I didn't need it. There was a time when I learned because it was in the books I read, because I didn't feel obligated. Now, somehow, it's become something I need to do.

Now, it eclipses me sometimes. And I will look at myself, look at what I'm doing, look at what I'm studying. And no matter how much I try to suppress the thought, it crops up anyway: Why do I even care?

I don't know. I don't know.

It's days like these when I physically cannot do my homework. But that's not the worst part. The worst is that I don't care that I can't. It doesn't matter to me.

It doesn't matter.

This scares my American self, terrifies the hell out of her. What is she if not her information? What is she if not a learning machine?

I'm tired, so very tired. Not in terms of lack of sleep necessarily, because that's normal. I'm tired because I have not rested in so long.

I have not deigned to let myself try to write a story. I don't dare. Because my studious self has learned to stay away from things at which she is less than satisfactory. I have not devoured a book in a long time. I have not painted anything in ages. I have not sat down to make something merely for myself (rather than because it will take me somewhere).

I'm not very sick, but I can't do it. I can't go to school tomorrow. It's an odd feeling. I've liked going to school all this year. It's been a good year, really it has. And today it's like I hit a wall. I don't know.

I need a day off in which to make music. Make art. Read for ages. Cut a speech piece. Do homework, but very little.

I think everyone is supposed to feel this way once in a while. But for a time this afternoon I didn't know what was happening to me. Why was I not doing homework at five thirty? Why did I have no inclination to work at eight? Why not?

Because I'm human. I'm only human. Narcissistic and haughty and ridiculous as this one of my selves is.

Human is all I am.

On "Normal" and "Mainstream" and all that crap

As my middle school music teacher would say, "Pardon my French."

This post has been in my brain for a while, ever since a friend of mine said she "turned into a hipster when she wasn't looking" and I saw something later on that day that said, "Normal girls just dream about perfect dresses and getting married."

Really? But what makes that "normal?"

Then today someone said "You're very hipster, Shira." And I kind of furrowed my brows and thought about that. Personally I don't think I am. But I wouldn't know, because I perceive myself as a much more whole person than other humans do.

This post was supposed to be about my problem with hipsters. Then I realized that was a very hipster thing to say and I would create a spiral of liesssss.

But lies are a part of the writer's life. And I kindasorta want to be a writer. So I'm gonna just go for it.

The general definition of a hipster (as much as they strain against it) is that they don't do what's cool, are not "mainstream," have a problem with people who are mainstream, dislike not being the first to know about things, are irritatingly intellectual (or at least think they are), and despise current times. And my response to this is: EVERYONE is a hipster. At least a little bit.

Because who really does love it when someone else has done what they've just thought of? Who doesn't love being the first to know about something cool? Who doesn't want to feel intelligent and knowledgable? Who doesn't think the world is thoroughly screwed-up and worries that it might have been better in the past? I don't think anyone does.

Another point on this is that "mainstream" is poorly defined. What makes something "mainstream?" The fact that it goes out to millions of people? Or the fact that the stereotypical member of the "mainstream" group likes it? And what are "mainstream" people? I heard someone say "Ugg boots and North Faces" but isn't that a form of horrid generalization? I think both Ugg boots and North Faces are wonderful in their time. And I've been defined as a "hipster."

I try just to do what I like and think what I want to think, regardless of people who might have done it or thought it before me. I believe that there are things to be done for social necessity. I believe in trying not to hate people. Especially not hating on people who may or may not have a lot in common with you.

This train of thought has also come out of trying to lower my judgment of people. I judge way too much for my own good (and others') and generally my judgments are relatively wrong. The simple judgment of others leads to stereotyping of "normal" and "mainstream" and "hipsters." And I don't think that's a valid reason for disliking something, someone, or some idea.

Personally, I'm trying not to be averted to someone just because they've got good grades, or if they smile all the time, or if they dress a certain way, or if they look a certain way (yes. I think, despite the fact that I try and push it back, I am still a little racist and still mentally insult people's looks), or if they're part of the theater crowd, or if they're overly hyperactive, or if they are perceived as "hipsters."

Because really, all the labels? They're just more barriers to tear down.