It's Okay

About two months ago, I had a dilemma.

I was thinking of applying to BU Academy - a private school full of nerds, basically. It has rigorous academics, fun people, nice art programs, etcetera.

I realize now that it likely would never have happened, but I was still seriously considering it.

I wanted to go there partly because it sounded wonderful and I would be happy there, but more to prove to myself that I could and would be intellectually superior.

The thing about me is this. Nobody ever insulted me or said I was bad at anything I do, be it art or writing or schoolwork. Nobody does, and I don't want them to. But I sometimes think so lowly of myself that it doesn't matter - I do it worse than anybody else, because no one stops me and usually I can't stop myself.

So basically, I got it into my head that I could not be the person I want to be if I did not apply and get into this school, mostly because of the academics. For myself, I always have to be good at what I do, or at least moderately so (in the case of dance). Any bad grade and I will crush myself inside constantly for a few days, then every so often for the following weeks. I will try to do everything I can about it but I will still feel absolutely horrible.

After about two weeks of sheer misery, I decided not to apply to that school. It costs thirty thousand dollars each year, and my parents work in education and music. We could afford it with financial help, but not easily, and I think I would feel so bad about using up so much that I would be even harder on myself. But more importantly, thinking about it so much made me feel horrible and stressed and sometimes sick. It made me feel stupid because many of my classes at my school are easy for me.

It was really hard - harder than I had thought - to let go of that. I still feel inadequate sometimes about myself. But after some weeks, it began to wear off, and I was able to joke about it again. And I'm beginning to realize - it's okay. It's okay to not go to the school where your entire life is grades and work. It's okay to spend a lot of time on things that aren't school-related, things that feed a different part of me - like art and writing and music and reading. It's okay not to overflow your head with work you don't understand. It's okay to be happy with where you are.

Another thing that is hard for me to realize is that yes, I want to know everything. But the time for knowing it all will come eventually. There are things that I am not in the position to know, because others must be learned first. And that's okay.

One Year

Yep.

I realized today that it's been exactly one year since I went to Israel for six months. Which I now classify as one of the hardest, but ultimately one of the best, experiences of my life.

I really do think I changed immensely in Israel. I became aware of the strangeness of my life, the differences between cultures and languages, and the benefits of free time. I also learned enormous amounts about myself and my relationships with other people, and how much things can feel amazing or horrible, and how much things can change with a difference in outlook.

There is a quote from the declamation piece I am doing (it's J. K. Rowling's Harvard commencement speech from 2008) that goes as follows: "You will never truly know yourself, or the strength of your relationships, until both have been tested by adversity." I think that really embodies what I learned: even as I moved away, my friendships remained. As time went on, of course, I forgot a little who they really were, but I came back and we were still friends, for all that each of us had changed. "Such knowledge," JKR continues, "is a true gift, for all that it is painfully won." Yes, it hurt like hell, leaving here. Yes, I suffered enormously at times. Yes, there were times when I was going practically insane. But I learned so much. About myself, about others, about the world. Different places really change how you think and feel. I really believe that, even if I don't seem to have changed so much, I am a different girl than the one who embarked on the most terrifying journey of her life one year ago, in many respects.

I think this change was part of what allowed me to be happy. I could not be fully happy in Israel because I was always missing the other half of me, the one from America. But when I came back I realized I would always miss some part of myself, and I have always lived in want of another place or another time. But the time is now, and I have decided to be happy, because it is good for me. That is another thing I learned in Israel: if you accept what you have, it becomes much better. I was sad and depressed and moping at first there, then I decided to like what I could like and see what would happen. I suddenly became much better friends with several people. I started talking. I started having more fun.

Though I have often been sad and confused about this, and no doubt will be again, I think that it was ultimately one of the best things I've ever done. For myself, for those around me, for my outlook. That's not to say I will do it again, because it was very difficult and I don't think I could. But as long as I live I think I will keep telling this story. Now I just have to find the next one.

Awesomeness of Life

I've said it before and I'll say it again: I think my life is awesome.

I'm really happy with where I am today, right now. Before Thanksgiving, at high school, maybe not exactly at the perfectly ideal balance between what I like to do, what I need to do, and what is good for me, but pretty close. I have textbooks I can read so I can learn more about our vast universe. I have a speech cutting to do so that I can share the beauty of speaking with the world. I have friends. I have a girlfriend. I love the people I know. I have a vacation coming up. I can do what I like.

And who knows, maybe tomorrow I won't like where I am. But today, I really like it. And really, I'm happy with where I am now, it's just the future that sometimes distorts my view.

I've decided that I will stay in the school I am now, because I like the people and I like the freedom and I like being able to find out random things from other people's textbooks and I like theater and I like speech and I like having not too much ballet and I like being able to read books that aren't assigned to me and I like being able to choose to read old classical literature and I like writing essays of my choice and I like getting the best grades in the class (sorry, that is a bit conceited, but I am arrogant, so oh well). The uncertainty of schools was making me really unhappy, so I have decided, and I am taking the path which will cause me less stress and cause my friends less pain, even if I will not study Latin in school or read endless amounts of ancient Greek literature. I am happy. And I am here.

Change

Right, so.

I was reading some of my old blog posts and I can just feel how much I've changed. Yeah, I knew it would happen back then, but it's kind of wonderful to see now.

Six months ago a change like this might have made me sad. But today? Oh, no. I'm at the top of the world and yet it can only go up from here.

Because I'm not depressed and I learned to cartwheel and I had recess and I started liking the theater and people tell me I look like I'm from Tel Aviv and I know how to get around here and I have amazing new friends and they're very very sad I'm leaving and I started liking myself and I let myself branch out and I finished three notebooks and I learned to do a handstand and I can cope with a high school and I am crazy and I'm fine with the messed-up world and I have CHANGED within.

This doesn't mean I might not be crying when I get back, no it doesn't. I can still be sad. But I'm happy I had this opportunity. I am very, very glad.

"I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, my friend."

~ Augustus Waters

I love the world.