Getting Back In

Recently my girlfriend and I broke up.

It wasn't a hurtful breakup or anything. We both felt it wasn't working, and that's that. Now she has a boyfriend and she seems happy, so that's good. (They're also a cute couple. Just saying.)

I'm just a little confused. Because I got so used to thinking about her quite literally all the time, and now I'm not really doing that, or not in the same way. So there's a certain silence to my thoughts right now.

I'm sad as well, don't get me wrong. Not as much because we broke up, because it was coming...but because when we broke up, I was in love with this idea of her. I don't think I've known the real her for a while.

You'd think, after reading and loving Paper Towns, I wouldn't have this problem. Yet it is too easy to assume that your consciousness is not merely a window (and a poor one at that) but a view of the whole world. It was far too easy for me to take this idea, one that had grown with being away from her and everyone, and take it as the truth.

It makes me wonder - what if the reason I felt like I changed in Israel was because everything became an idea? Who am I, and what am I, and am I happy? I'm not sure. I'm trying to understand.

I'm trying to get more into the community of my school and really love it. I'm trying to know everyone fully and imagine them complexly. I'm trying to understand whether what I see is really so reliable.

I'm also trying not to think too deeply into being sad about things, because I've realized I'm very good - too good, in fact - at convincing myself of my opinions or beliefs. I try not to think about spirituality, because it won't turn out well, and I'm fairly stable where I am. I try not to think about what ifs, because those have been known to be trouble for me. I try not to ponder others' opinions in places where it doesn't matter, so that I keep thinking the way I think rather than taking on others' opinions as my own. And right now especially, I'm trying not to think too much about depression. Because I climbed out of it with the help of semi-existent ideas, ideas which only now I'm realizing weren't precisely true or real. I feel as though I'm on the verge, and I need to stay on this side of it, because the other side is far too dark for me to see, and life is crazy enough as it is.

Mostly? I'm trying to realize what reality is, and to get back in.

An Open Letter to Algebra

Dear algebra:

First and foremost, I despise you. Not because I really want to, it's just, you include so many numbers and letters and you are far too easy to mix up. Somehow I'm always getting things wrong with you, and it's not because I don't try. You just drive me crazy.

Why can't I see you as clearly as geometry, where everything is laid out in an ordered fashion and you can SEE it?

Okay, algebra. We'll have a treaty. I'll complete you, and you...I'm actually not sure what you get out of this. I'm pretty sure you don't care.

Your hateful student,

Shira

Developments

I've been neglecting this blog lately. So much to do, so little time!

I'm in Frosh play, which is showing this week. It's exciting! But tons of work! But so much fun! I've been staying at school for 10-13 hours every day this week, including 8 hours on Saturday.

Term ended last week. You have no idea how happy I was that the projects and tests were over...and now I have more projects and tests. Huzzah, fun times. (Wince.)

I got a pass for Pax East! It's in March! I'm so excited! I'm going with my girlfriend, who actually knows stuff about video games, but this is apparently Nerd Central, so I'm off to see what I can see!

Also, it's NaNoWriMo.

You: But Shira, shouldn't you be writing?
Me: Yes, yes I should.
You: How far along are you?
Me: Um... *turns red*

Yeah. Not big on the progress. Lots to do tomorrow, since there is no school...

Beginnings

So high school started this week.

Or, should I say -

OH MY GOD, HIGH SCHOOL STARTED THIS WEEK.

Well, aside from its inevitable enormity and whatever, it looks like it will be pretty good, actually.

Crazy? Almost definitely. Fun? Looks like it. Adventure? Hopefully.

In which I seem to be crazier than usual

So, here I sit by my computer with languages jumbled in my head along with the blog post that started writing itself as I was setting the table for a dinner that my dad is out shopping for while my brother is watching Jeopardy downstairs and I am eating cereal (because, you know, cereal is awesome).

One of the strangest run on sentences I've ever written.

I went out and bought a few books today - The Hobbit and Fahrenheit 451 because they are classics that must be read and Looking for Alaska, An Abundance of Katherines, and Paper Towns by John Green because they are awesome and hopefully someday they shall be classics that must be read.

I started re-reading Looking for Alaska because when I read it I hadn't read any of his other books yet and besides I was all depressedly screwed-up (or anyway, more depressedly screwed-up than I am now) and probably read it slightly differently.

People, you have to read this book. And all of John's books. But heck, if you haven't read any of them, stop reading this blog post now and go to your bookstore or library or website of choice and get it somehow. Break-in may be necessary if it's past closing time. But even if you get chucked in jail for a bit, you know, you'll have read the book.

And I know it's controversial and whatever, which sort of startled me when I first read it (prepare for extreme profanity), I've become someone who swears more often now (though thankfully enough I don't smoke) so that part doesn't bother me that much.

I can so relate to these characters. Oh my freaking Rowling, just read it.

Throwin'

I always feel the need to clarify this. In ceramics, the term "throwing pots" does not mean we're all chucking vases at the walls; it means we're making clay pots on the pottery wheel. Just making sure everyone knows.

This week I'm attending Afternoon Ceramics at the art center nearby. I skipped it on Monday in favor of a day at the beach with my friend but yesterday I arrived for class in clothes made for turning brown with clay stains.

I have attended something at the art center for at least one summer or vacation per year since fourth grade, except for last summer, when I did a five-week intensive dance program instead. But in any case, the teachers know me.

So I arrived about ten minutes early to find one of my former teachers digging in the recycled clay bin and slopping it onto boards to make it dry into clay that's fit for working with instead of just muddy slip. I offered to help because I love getting dirty in this way, and I needed to get my clean clothes flecked with clay already. "You grew a lot," she says.

While doing that I realized that someone who had been with me in the pottery classes I'd attended two years ago was in my class again. We reacquainted ourselves with each other and remembered our jokes. Since we've both been to Israel it was mostly about the messed-up-ness of security and terrorists in airports and trying to drag pottery wheels into the airport. It's probably the best time I've had in an organized class in a while.

I'd really forgotten how much fun it is to go somewhere with the intention of making art, to come with a group of people and get your hands so very dirty. I don't know if anybody else does this, but my friend and I start talking to the clay in the middle of conversations. Like, one minute we're talking about depression and then he says to the mug he's making, "Don't flop over, I'll kill you if you do," and we're talking about television. That doesn't happen without the occasional lunatic talking to random objects.

Today I'll go back and throw a few more pots. Ah, pottery. The most fun I've had in a while.

Filmin'

In the recess between theater classes today, I got out my camera, snapped some photos, then decided a video would probably be better.

"Why are you filming? So you don't forget?"
"I guess."
"Oh, don't worry about that. You won't forget us if you try. We'll be chasing you in your dreams."

Basically, once people realized I was filming, they flocked around me, trying to get in the video. It ended up being about twenty minutes long, and it would have been longer if the battery hadn't died. And I've promised to bring a full battery tomorrow and next Tuesday. We'll see how this turns out...