Blub blub

Me: Bleh.
Mom: That's how you say "blue" in French.
Me: No, that's bleu.
Brother: Not very different.
Mom: Then "bleh" is "white."
Me: No, that's blanc.
Brother: Still not very different.
Mom: That's what you'll have to learn next year if you take French.
Brother: Okay!
Me: Bleu blanc bleh.
Brother: What's "bleh?"
Me: Not a word.

Bad, Bad, Bad at Decisions, Decisions, Decisions: Planning Edition

Me: Hmm. I want to meet my girlfriend's friends!
Me: Over Thanksgiving!
Me: Why don't I start a Facebook group message!

(a few days pass)

Me: (in chat) So, what are we thinking to do? Where? Any ideas? There aren't any movies I particularly want to see...

(hours later)

Me: Hmm. No replies.

(an hour later)

Me: What are we doing tomorrow?
Girlfriend: I don't know, text me when you figure it out.

(after procrastinating endlessly, attempting to contact other people, and failing)

Me: AHH!
Me: What to do?
Me: Harvard Square? I sort of know it and anyway you can find most things there...
Me: Central Square? I used to live there and there are nice places...
Me: Just a café? But what would we do?
Me: Where do they live anyway?
Me: WHICH DO I CHOOSE?!

Lizard

My brother: Yeah, in science class my teacher's showing us the series "Life" and Oprah Winfrey's in it as, um -
My mom: as prominent lizard.
My brother: Yeah. Wait - what?

Life, the Universe, and Everything

1: Let's start our being animals club meeting! I'm gonna be a monkey!
2: I'm gonna be an...elephant!
3: And I'm gonna be a lioness! Look at mah hair glow like a lioness, I'm so scary! You're scared of me, you're scared of me! Rarr!
1: It's gonna be hard to drive like this. I'm a monkey, I'm a monkey! Look! Bananas! Let's veer off the road and attack them!
3: Look at me, I'm scary! Rarr, rarr, I'm scary! Aw yeah, you are so scared!

---

1: You're ruining the innocence! So young! So young!
2: It's a chair!
1: It can't say no, how does that make you feel, huh, the chair can't say no! It doesn't have a choice!

---

1: Want to have a look at my toenail collection?

---

1: I have a seizure every time anyone says "um." * seizure *

---

1: My pet turtle died and you're laughing! You're not supposed to laugh at that!
2: Well, you have to admit, it is a funny story...
1: How can you SAY that?!
2: Um, your friend fed it sulfuric acid instead of water! That just doesn't happen!

---

1: I'M TERRIFIED OF SHOES! AHHHH!

---

Girl: You know that time when...umm...we were at your house and your brother was there?
Boy: Um, um...yeah?
Girl: I, well, I, um, may or may not have made out with him...
Boy: ...
Boy: You're SIX YEARS OLD!
Girl: He started it!

---

You see, my friends, I have found the answer to life, the universe, and everything. It is not forty-two, oh no. The answer is - get ready for it - IMPROV.

Why is anyone impersonating animals? Improv. Why did someone's friend feed a turtle sulfuric acid? Improv. Why did a six-year-old make out with someone? Improv...or something really, REALLY, wrong.

Homework

Me: I don't want to do it.

Me: You have to.

Me: Ugh.

Me: Get off your blog.

Me: I don't want to.

Me: English homework. History homework. Math. Do it.

Me: But I don't want to be dissecting a book I read for pleasure at 7:30 in the evening! I want to properly read at my own leisure and be able to get to bed at a decent time!

Me: So start your work.

Me: Aghhhh.

Me: Shut up. Now.

Great Friends

Me: Oh, hi! (...I haven't seen you in eight months...)
Her: Fuck you.
Me: Thanks. (I missed you too!)

Which pretty much sums up our sort-of friendship. It's all in jest, all in jest.

In the middle of Crash Course

It was dinnertime.

Me: But I was just in the middle of learning history!
Mom: Ugh. Just because your family wants you to eat dinner with them.
Mom: I suggest you fire them.