A dream

Today I thought of Israel, and suddenly it didn't feel like it ever happened.

Suddenly people forget that I was ever gone.

Suddenly it all feels like a dream, like something that fades away as the day goes on until finally I don't remember and it doesn't affect me anymore.

Is this what was always going to happen?

It's scaring me. Really scaring me.

But every so often I have these weird almost flashback things. It happens when I'm thinking about nothing in particular and suddenly it feels like I had something, something I can't even grasp anymore, and I just miss it so much. Like on Saturday, when I was in a cupcake shop with my girlfriend and Titanium came on the radio and it reminded me of the surprise party my friends and I threw for one girl's birthday, because Titanium came on and I was singing really loudly to it. The sliding glass door to the balcony was open and a summer evening breeze was coming in. At one point in the party I just went outside and stood there and thought of the impending end of Israel, the end I'd felt like would never come. There was a flock of black birds that took flight over the dirty white buildings, the graffiti showing the more permanent expressions of free speech. It was quieter than inside but I could still hear all the cars and bustle on Allenby and King George street, and I felt nowhere but everywhere, almost like floating. I don't know if I'll feel it again.

And sitting in the cupcake shop it just hit me, how much it's faded from my memory, and how much I do miss the people I met and the places I love and the friends I made. It feels like a dream now because it was, it was a beautiful way to start over and remake myself. The dream is over, but I guess it will always lurk in my subconscious. I hope it never disappears.