Confused, etc.

This is an angsty post. You have been warned.

I'm still thinking a lot about Israel. Especially today.

I have this thing where music makes me feel different things, not necessarily because of the way it is, but more because of when I first heard it or when I was listening to it a lot.

So there are some songs that are Israel Songs. Songs that I would listen to and would make me feel all of the feels.

And some of those songs are ones that I haven't heard in a very long while.

So I had Spotify on and was listening to one of them and BAM. The feels. I felt like I had in Israel, and suddenly I realize that I just don't feel like that anymore, and I remembered.

How much I missed my friends. How confusing it was to have two homes. How different my outlook was, how I felt about different people back then. How I felt about myself.

And I'm still thinking about it, and I'm still sad.

And also - I missed my friends here so much. How is it that after nearly six months here, I don't miss Israel so much? Was it all really that fleeting? Were my friendships too hastily built to last?

And now I miss them. And I miss the apartment. And school.

Something about my geography teacher in Israel came up during lunch. And I realized - I had never really told my friends here that much about my actual life in Israel. I talked about feelings, about homework, about general things - a bit about a few classes. But there wasn't much.

And now I remember everything.

How did I survive for so long without my friends? How am I surviving now, without my friends in Israel?

How?

Crazy Home Thoughts

Yesterday I was watching Wizard Rock, a song that I really do love. It's about, well, Wizard Rock, which is a music genre about Harry Potter. It's a good song anyway, but it's about Harry Potter so...it's awesome. It's also about depression a bit, which, well, is okay.

But what I was going to say is that listening to this song made me really sad, not just because Potter is "over" but also because my friend would always play it on her iPhone and we would sing it. We used it to annoy our cabin mates on a school trip - they ended up shooing me onto the porch when we had to do written work because I was the louder one of us.

And that made me wonder: how will it be when I get home? Will I look at Doctor Who and Hunger Games and be really sad because it reminds me of the days here? I don't know, but I can't help thinking that after this I won't have a home. It's scary, not knowing where you belong or if you should be here at all.