Roi Soleil and musings

This Thanksgiving weekend I got obsessed with Le Roi Soleil. It is a French musical and is too beautiful for words. I'm very glad to be able to understand most of it by now, especially because in February I am going to France for two weeks.

I also saw my preschool friend and his family again for the first time in nearly a year. I missed them a lot. Honestly, I feel like some of my preschool friends are some of my favorite people.

I chatted a lot with my BUA friends, who I haven't been in touch with as much. And I'm still sad about not being able to be quite as close with them and I do miss them.

But I realized that I've spent far too much time missing people, far too much time doing stuff that doesn't mean much to me, and far too little time doing things I want to do or spending time with the people I want to see. Here is a song from Le Roi Soleil that kinda sums it up, I guess. Also a translation.

http://lyricstranslate.com
Life Passes By

I see faces coming & going.
I see regrets passing by.
As many dreams are passing by,
That I left to the side,
When I should have been dreaming.

I have seen some mirages disappearing,
Which will never come back.
Still, I have seen so many voyages,
End with a ship wreck,
While they were just starting out.

Life passes by,
And I have seen nothing pass by.
Life passes by.
I had only borrowed it.
Time passes by,
I didn’t know how to stop it.
And I had simply forgotten how to love.

I held back many words,
That I should have said.
But, is it still a sign of courage,
To mark the pages,
Without being satisfied ?

Life passes by,
And I have seen nothing pass by.
Life passes by.
I had only borrowed it.
Time passes by,
I didn’t know how to stop it.
And I had simply forgotten how to love.

I don’t want to believe without doubting.
I don’t want to believe
That the road is closed.
One time for all, closed.
I want to catch a glimpse of where to go.
Give me the right,
That a man can allow himself,
To abandon all.

Life passes by.
Time presses.
Life passes by.
And I have seen nothing pass by.
Everything disappears.

Life passes by.
And I want to see it pass by.
Life passes by.
I want to see you borrow it.
Time presses.
You will have known how to stop it.
Time ceases.
But, I would have atleast loved.
Time passes.
And it can pass by.
Life passes by.
And I would like to spend it
With you.

BUA

I just went to visit BUA. And right now I am so confused.

Not only did about half the students there tell me I should have applied, two of the teachers did, and the rest seemed to like me fairly well.

And you know what else? I really want to apply. But I also don't. But I do, but I don't.

I don't because I love my friends and community and speech team. I do want to go because, well, because it's BUA.

But the thing is, they usually admit only people coming for freshman and sophomore year. And I missed that chance. And I'm worried now that I missed my chance at everything else, because I don't have time to do all the things I want to do. I live for knowing, for being among the educated, for having a reason to be superior. Why did I not realize back in the fall that this was my best chance?

Don't get me wrong - if nothing else, I'm glad I went and saw the place. It's going to give me motivation in my independent studies.

But I am so, so confused. And I'm worried that I've missed my chance at everything I've wanted, and that I'll never get one like this again.

It's Okay

About two months ago, I had a dilemma.

I was thinking of applying to BU Academy - a private school full of nerds, basically. It has rigorous academics, fun people, nice art programs, etcetera.

I realize now that it likely would never have happened, but I was still seriously considering it.

I wanted to go there partly because it sounded wonderful and I would be happy there, but more to prove to myself that I could and would be intellectually superior.

The thing about me is this. Nobody ever insulted me or said I was bad at anything I do, be it art or writing or schoolwork. Nobody does, and I don't want them to. But I sometimes think so lowly of myself that it doesn't matter - I do it worse than anybody else, because no one stops me and usually I can't stop myself.

So basically, I got it into my head that I could not be the person I want to be if I did not apply and get into this school, mostly because of the academics. For myself, I always have to be good at what I do, or at least moderately so (in the case of dance). Any bad grade and I will crush myself inside constantly for a few days, then every so often for the following weeks. I will try to do everything I can about it but I will still feel absolutely horrible.

After about two weeks of sheer misery, I decided not to apply to that school. It costs thirty thousand dollars each year, and my parents work in education and music. We could afford it with financial help, but not easily, and I think I would feel so bad about using up so much that I would be even harder on myself. But more importantly, thinking about it so much made me feel horrible and stressed and sometimes sick. It made me feel stupid because many of my classes at my school are easy for me.

It was really hard - harder than I had thought - to let go of that. I still feel inadequate sometimes about myself. But after some weeks, it began to wear off, and I was able to joke about it again. And I'm beginning to realize - it's okay. It's okay to not go to the school where your entire life is grades and work. It's okay to spend a lot of time on things that aren't school-related, things that feed a different part of me - like art and writing and music and reading. It's okay not to overflow your head with work you don't understand. It's okay to be happy with where you are.

Another thing that is hard for me to realize is that yes, I want to know everything. But the time for knowing it all will come eventually. There are things that I am not in the position to know, because others must be learned first. And that's okay.