Roi Soleil and musings

This Thanksgiving weekend I got obsessed with Le Roi Soleil. It is a French musical and is too beautiful for words. I'm very glad to be able to understand most of it by now, especially because in February I am going to France for two weeks.

I also saw my preschool friend and his family again for the first time in nearly a year. I missed them a lot. Honestly, I feel like some of my preschool friends are some of my favorite people.

I chatted a lot with my BUA friends, who I haven't been in touch with as much. And I'm still sad about not being able to be quite as close with them and I do miss them.

But I realized that I've spent far too much time missing people, far too much time doing stuff that doesn't mean much to me, and far too little time doing things I want to do or spending time with the people I want to see. Here is a song from Le Roi Soleil that kinda sums it up, I guess. Also a translation.

http://lyricstranslate.com
Life Passes By

I see faces coming & going.
I see regrets passing by.
As many dreams are passing by,
That I left to the side,
When I should have been dreaming.

I have seen some mirages disappearing,
Which will never come back.
Still, I have seen so many voyages,
End with a ship wreck,
While they were just starting out.

Life passes by,
And I have seen nothing pass by.
Life passes by.
I had only borrowed it.
Time passes by,
I didn’t know how to stop it.
And I had simply forgotten how to love.

I held back many words,
That I should have said.
But, is it still a sign of courage,
To mark the pages,
Without being satisfied ?

Life passes by,
And I have seen nothing pass by.
Life passes by.
I had only borrowed it.
Time passes by,
I didn’t know how to stop it.
And I had simply forgotten how to love.

I don’t want to believe without doubting.
I don’t want to believe
That the road is closed.
One time for all, closed.
I want to catch a glimpse of where to go.
Give me the right,
That a man can allow himself,
To abandon all.

Life passes by.
Time presses.
Life passes by.
And I have seen nothing pass by.
Everything disappears.

Life passes by.
And I want to see it pass by.
Life passes by.
I want to see you borrow it.
Time presses.
You will have known how to stop it.
Time ceases.
But, I would have atleast loved.
Time passes.
And it can pass by.
Life passes by.
And I would like to spend it
With you.

Living Inside My Head

There is, of course, an extremely subjective angle to my view of me.

Now that we are past that painfully obvious opening sentence, let's elaborate.

I think everyone has a love-hate relationship with themselves, which is the way things should be. You should love yourself at least a little, but you shouldn't be thoroughly egocentric. You should be able to see flaws in yourself.

In my experience, most people do this quite well. In fact, most people go as far as to see most of themselves as flaws with small seams.

I am no exception.

People say I'm smart, and yes, I know I am relatively intelligent. People say I'm flexible, which I know I am to an extent. People say I'm talented, which I know I am.

I know I am, but I don't think it's as much as other people.

Living inside my head is weird. I always want to stuff it with information. I always think there are things I should be doing better.

Periodically, people inform me of my intelligence because I'm okay at remembering things. Today I was helping people study for history finals, producing a date off the top of my head. "How do you remember that?" they asked, followed by, "You're so smart, why are you so smart?"

Also today, after I comforted someone who was stressing out, a friend of mine said, "Oh, she's not always an asshole."

Inside my head is a weird mix of the two views - contented with myself, yet thoroughly irritated at the same time and surprised when I get things right.

It's weird.

I don't know.

I'll go back to living inside my head.

BUA

I just went to visit BUA. And right now I am so confused.

Not only did about half the students there tell me I should have applied, two of the teachers did, and the rest seemed to like me fairly well.

And you know what else? I really want to apply. But I also don't. But I do, but I don't.

I don't because I love my friends and community and speech team. I do want to go because, well, because it's BUA.

But the thing is, they usually admit only people coming for freshman and sophomore year. And I missed that chance. And I'm worried now that I missed my chance at everything else, because I don't have time to do all the things I want to do. I live for knowing, for being among the educated, for having a reason to be superior. Why did I not realize back in the fall that this was my best chance?

Don't get me wrong - if nothing else, I'm glad I went and saw the place. It's going to give me motivation in my independent studies.

But I am so, so confused. And I'm worried that I've missed my chance at everything I've wanted, and that I'll never get one like this again.

Getting Back In

Recently my girlfriend and I broke up.

It wasn't a hurtful breakup or anything. We both felt it wasn't working, and that's that. Now she has a boyfriend and she seems happy, so that's good. (They're also a cute couple. Just saying.)

I'm just a little confused. Because I got so used to thinking about her quite literally all the time, and now I'm not really doing that, or not in the same way. So there's a certain silence to my thoughts right now.

I'm sad as well, don't get me wrong. Not as much because we broke up, because it was coming...but because when we broke up, I was in love with this idea of her. I don't think I've known the real her for a while.

You'd think, after reading and loving Paper Towns, I wouldn't have this problem. Yet it is too easy to assume that your consciousness is not merely a window (and a poor one at that) but a view of the whole world. It was far too easy for me to take this idea, one that had grown with being away from her and everyone, and take it as the truth.

It makes me wonder - what if the reason I felt like I changed in Israel was because everything became an idea? Who am I, and what am I, and am I happy? I'm not sure. I'm trying to understand.

I'm trying to get more into the community of my school and really love it. I'm trying to know everyone fully and imagine them complexly. I'm trying to understand whether what I see is really so reliable.

I'm also trying not to think too deeply into being sad about things, because I've realized I'm very good - too good, in fact - at convincing myself of my opinions or beliefs. I try not to think about spirituality, because it won't turn out well, and I'm fairly stable where I am. I try not to think about what ifs, because those have been known to be trouble for me. I try not to ponder others' opinions in places where it doesn't matter, so that I keep thinking the way I think rather than taking on others' opinions as my own. And right now especially, I'm trying not to think too much about depression. Because I climbed out of it with the help of semi-existent ideas, ideas which only now I'm realizing weren't precisely true or real. I feel as though I'm on the verge, and I need to stay on this side of it, because the other side is far too dark for me to see, and life is crazy enough as it is.

Mostly? I'm trying to realize what reality is, and to get back in.

People and blogs and hugs

I had this whole post that I wrote about the wish tree I saw a few days ago in Jaffa, but then I accidentally deleted it, so I will rewrite it later.

But anyways, I have a few blogs to share that I think deserve some love.

Of Hyperions and Pumpkin Pi
This blog is one I discovered a while ago. The thing that first drew me to it was the title - I mean, come on. Of Hyperions and Pumpkin Pi. Isn't that just wonderful? The writer's username is Theodora Orli, and in any case she writes beautifully. She reminds me a lot of myself sometimes, and she deserves more followers! Also hugs. Everyone deserves hugs.

The Ordinary Life of Katie
I found this one relatively recently. Katie's writing varies from descriptions of daily life to musings about the future and life in general. It's really fun to read! Also, I can marvel at the fact that she's a fencer. Wow...

Anyway, I hope that if you read this post, you'll go check these out! Hugs all around!

One Year

Yep.

I realized today that it's been exactly one year since I went to Israel for six months. Which I now classify as one of the hardest, but ultimately one of the best, experiences of my life.

I really do think I changed immensely in Israel. I became aware of the strangeness of my life, the differences between cultures and languages, and the benefits of free time. I also learned enormous amounts about myself and my relationships with other people, and how much things can feel amazing or horrible, and how much things can change with a difference in outlook.

There is a quote from the declamation piece I am doing (it's J. K. Rowling's Harvard commencement speech from 2008) that goes as follows: "You will never truly know yourself, or the strength of your relationships, until both have been tested by adversity." I think that really embodies what I learned: even as I moved away, my friendships remained. As time went on, of course, I forgot a little who they really were, but I came back and we were still friends, for all that each of us had changed. "Such knowledge," JKR continues, "is a true gift, for all that it is painfully won." Yes, it hurt like hell, leaving here. Yes, I suffered enormously at times. Yes, there were times when I was going practically insane. But I learned so much. About myself, about others, about the world. Different places really change how you think and feel. I really believe that, even if I don't seem to have changed so much, I am a different girl than the one who embarked on the most terrifying journey of her life one year ago, in many respects.

I think this change was part of what allowed me to be happy. I could not be fully happy in Israel because I was always missing the other half of me, the one from America. But when I came back I realized I would always miss some part of myself, and I have always lived in want of another place or another time. But the time is now, and I have decided to be happy, because it is good for me. That is another thing I learned in Israel: if you accept what you have, it becomes much better. I was sad and depressed and moping at first there, then I decided to like what I could like and see what would happen. I suddenly became much better friends with several people. I started talking. I started having more fun.

Though I have often been sad and confused about this, and no doubt will be again, I think that it was ultimately one of the best things I've ever done. For myself, for those around me, for my outlook. That's not to say I will do it again, because it was very difficult and I don't think I could. But as long as I live I think I will keep telling this story. Now I just have to find the next one.

Awesomeness of Life

I've said it before and I'll say it again: I think my life is awesome.

I'm really happy with where I am today, right now. Before Thanksgiving, at high school, maybe not exactly at the perfectly ideal balance between what I like to do, what I need to do, and what is good for me, but pretty close. I have textbooks I can read so I can learn more about our vast universe. I have a speech cutting to do so that I can share the beauty of speaking with the world. I have friends. I have a girlfriend. I love the people I know. I have a vacation coming up. I can do what I like.

And who knows, maybe tomorrow I won't like where I am. But today, I really like it. And really, I'm happy with where I am now, it's just the future that sometimes distorts my view.

I've decided that I will stay in the school I am now, because I like the people and I like the freedom and I like being able to find out random things from other people's textbooks and I like theater and I like speech and I like having not too much ballet and I like being able to read books that aren't assigned to me and I like being able to choose to read old classical literature and I like writing essays of my choice and I like getting the best grades in the class (sorry, that is a bit conceited, but I am arrogant, so oh well). The uncertainty of schools was making me really unhappy, so I have decided, and I am taking the path which will cause me less stress and cause my friends less pain, even if I will not study Latin in school or read endless amounts of ancient Greek literature. I am happy. And I am here.

IHOP Night

Well, last night was opening night, and tonight was middle night, and both were SO AWESOME, and then we went to IHOP.

We arrived and sat down and took superlong to decide what we were ordering and I ended up getting hot chocolate and pancakes. They were good, if sugary. It wasn't really the food that counted.

We were the only group in the small IHOP universe for a while, and then this other cast from somewhere arrived. They were juniors and seniors. At first we kept to ourselves, then we mingled a bit, then this girl named Kate made a speech and everyone applauded and then.

One guy from the other table comes over to her with a napkin.

Him: Hey.
Him: I just met you.
Kate: ...?
Him: And this is crazy.
Him: But here's my number.
Him: So...
Him: Call me, maybe?

At which point everyone screamed and clapped and went insane. It was excellent. I was hyper. We took a photo that near-perfectly embodies our existence as a group. Our director left eventually, and then people started leaving. But I had the time of my life.

Later, when we were leaving, some people from the other table, who we didn't really know at all, came and hugged us. I really, really like theater people. Generally amazing and somewhat insane.

I love all of the people in Frosh play. There is simply nothing like it. I love our closeness as a cast, how well we know each other, how we have inside jokes and we always have something to talk about. It's kind of beautiful. I'm going to have serious post-play depression. It's culminating in closing night tomorrow. I don't want it to end. I've loved every minute, and I'll miss it so much. All the work, everything - it ends up glorious. Glorious enough that I can get all sappy and sentimental like I am.

Ugh

It has not been a good few days.

Or it has.

But I'm just not feeling good. I'm not sick or anything. I just feel blechy.

I feel like I annoy people when I message them. Also Halloween is this week and NaNoWriMo is starting and term is ending soon and I've got projects due and our freshman play is showing mid-November and I need to work on my speech for speech team.

Also I've been thinking about my girlfriend's school a lot. They have an open house today. I think I would like going there. But I think I don't want to transfer for another person. And I do like my school, I really do. I just don't know. And I don't want to leave my friends. But I would love going there. But I don't want to. I want to love where I am and let it stay that way.

I'm worried I'm getting bad again.

Things you like to do

I heard somewhere that you can choose what you do, but you can't choose what you like to do.

This may be obvious to some, but to me it was an entirely new idea. For a long time I'd had these love-hate relationships with things in my life such as music and dance. Many people love them, but I didn't. I thought if I worked hard at them, I would love them. But no. There are some things I simply don't like. It was kind of hard for me to accept that.

Because my whole life I'd felt like there were things I should like and things I shouldn't, based on what other people liked or didn't. There are things that are hard to let go of. It was just as hard as letting go of a façade or breaking a tradition I'd had for my whole life. It's difficult, but after that it feels like things suddenly got easier.

Change

Right, so.

I was reading some of my old blog posts and I can just feel how much I've changed. Yeah, I knew it would happen back then, but it's kind of wonderful to see now.

Six months ago a change like this might have made me sad. But today? Oh, no. I'm at the top of the world and yet it can only go up from here.

Because I'm not depressed and I learned to cartwheel and I had recess and I started liking the theater and people tell me I look like I'm from Tel Aviv and I know how to get around here and I have amazing new friends and they're very very sad I'm leaving and I started liking myself and I let myself branch out and I finished three notebooks and I learned to do a handstand and I can cope with a high school and I am crazy and I'm fine with the messed-up world and I have CHANGED within.

This doesn't mean I might not be crying when I get back, no it doesn't. I can still be sad. But I'm happy I had this opportunity. I am very, very glad.

"I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, my friend."

~ Augustus Waters

I love the world.