Roi Soleil and musings

This Thanksgiving weekend I got obsessed with Le Roi Soleil. It is a French musical and is too beautiful for words. I'm very glad to be able to understand most of it by now, especially because in February I am going to France for two weeks.

I also saw my preschool friend and his family again for the first time in nearly a year. I missed them a lot. Honestly, I feel like some of my preschool friends are some of my favorite people.

I chatted a lot with my BUA friends, who I haven't been in touch with as much. And I'm still sad about not being able to be quite as close with them and I do miss them.

But I realized that I've spent far too much time missing people, far too much time doing stuff that doesn't mean much to me, and far too little time doing things I want to do or spending time with the people I want to see. Here is a song from Le Roi Soleil that kinda sums it up, I guess. Also a translation.

http://lyricstranslate.com
Life Passes By

I see faces coming & going.
I see regrets passing by.
As many dreams are passing by,
That I left to the side,
When I should have been dreaming.

I have seen some mirages disappearing,
Which will never come back.
Still, I have seen so many voyages,
End with a ship wreck,
While they were just starting out.

Life passes by,
And I have seen nothing pass by.
Life passes by.
I had only borrowed it.
Time passes by,
I didn’t know how to stop it.
And I had simply forgotten how to love.

I held back many words,
That I should have said.
But, is it still a sign of courage,
To mark the pages,
Without being satisfied ?

Life passes by,
And I have seen nothing pass by.
Life passes by.
I had only borrowed it.
Time passes by,
I didn’t know how to stop it.
And I had simply forgotten how to love.

I don’t want to believe without doubting.
I don’t want to believe
That the road is closed.
One time for all, closed.
I want to catch a glimpse of where to go.
Give me the right,
That a man can allow himself,
To abandon all.

Life passes by.
Time presses.
Life passes by.
And I have seen nothing pass by.
Everything disappears.

Life passes by.
And I want to see it pass by.
Life passes by.
I want to see you borrow it.
Time presses.
You will have known how to stop it.
Time ceases.
But, I would have atleast loved.
Time passes.
And it can pass by.
Life passes by.
And I would like to spend it
With you.

Last night, a girl in my grade committed suicide. This is the second teen suicide in our city this year. The last one was two weeks ago, at the other high school.

Last time, it didn't affect me. She was just a girl. From the other side of the city. One I'd neither seen nor heard of beforehand. It was almost as if she'd been from the next town, the next state, somewhere entirely different.

This morning, I came into PE class to see three people crying. I thought it was just one of those days, and I was right - except these days come rarely and even so, they come too often. Our teacher read the announcement to us. We observed a moment of silence. But I didn't seem affected.

All day, various people were sad. The fall musical, which was supposed to be tonight, tomorrow, and Saturday night, was postponed because it includes suicide. All day, I saw people crying and hugging and I offered consolation. But it felt oddly distant. I didn't feel sad - well, I did. But I felt more of a chilly surprise.

I had known her in the way you know people you've been with for a few years, but moreover those whose friend groups have linked with yours at times. I had passed her in the hallways, I had seen her pictures on Facebook, I had talked to her sister a few times. I might have known her. But no longer.

It's only now, a while later, that it's sinking in. She's dead. She's gone. She took her own life. I will never see her again - not in the hallways, not at the lunch table, not with my friends. She cannot see how much love pours out towards her now, how much people miss her and grieve for her, how much people are aching for her.

I don't know why. It seems that no one does. But I don't think, even if I did know, that I'd understand completely.

And I remember now what it was that prevented me from doing the same thing, a few years ago. It was the thought of hurting others so deeply. It hurt me to see their pain, and I suppose that my empathy saved me. I only wish that this girl had had something like that - something that pulled her back.

I was not her close friend. I was not her family. I didn't know her well and perhaps I don't have so much of a right to be so sad. But here's the thing. I was talking to a friend of mine and asked if she was okay, and she said: "I'll be fine. It's just she's the first person I knew who died."

I was not her close friend. I was not her family. But I knew her, and I am sad. For a life that could have been lived.

Last night, I came home
exhausted,
and tired
so tired

but not
"I've had a long day"
tired - no,

more like
"the life has been sucked out of me"
exhausted

and uncertain
of my future

And in my weakness
my demon took me.

The demon
The one that everyone has

I tried to fight it
with music
with smiles

Tried to do what I had to
and couldn't

and I couldn't care
there was too much inside for caring

and it was worse than it's been
in a while

and I don't know why:
what
did I do
this time?

I stayed home from school today
and I know it was weak

I know
I know I shouldn't have
even though I was tired
even though I was sick
even though my demon took me

I know that
and I'm sorry

There are days

There are days when life is cold
no matter the heat outside

days when life is sickening
no matter the taste

days when life is desert-parched
no matter how long you linger at oases

There are days when the music plays
and never once do you feel like dancing;

when the neat pictures on the wall
seem slanted;

when the rain falls and doesn't wash away
the exhaustion
in your eyes

or the copper taste
on your tongue

or the flames
in your skin

or the broken glass case
around your heart;

days when life is crushing
no matter your armor

or the walls you have built in desperation

and you think of surrender

and it seems like you might fall

before sleep flutters forth
on angel-wings

and you fly away
in dreams of
greater things

floating
to another
tomorrow

Editing...

The speech is done...

And now I'm editing...

And then my edits do not result in shortening the speech, even though I've cut pretty ruthlessly...

WHY IS THIS SO DIFFICULT?

I FOUND A SOURCE!

THE SOURCE

THE SOURCE TO END ALL SOURCES

(Still talking about the Oratory here. Assume that I am until I'm done with a draft of this thing.)

That Oratory I'm talking about

Well, funny thing.

So I was doing Camp NaNoWriMo.

NaNoWriMo: noun.
1. Intense masochism.
2. National Novel Writing Month, November; one must set a word count and reach it by the end of the month. For adults, the target word count is always 50,000.
Camp NaNoWriMo: noun.
NaNoWriMo during other months, generally April and either July or August. Everyone can set their own word count goal.

Anyway, so I did Camp NaNoWriMo, with a goal of 40,000 words - I reached it, at 40,089 words on 2 pm on July 31st. My prize? Bragging rights! Which I'm obviously using.

And then I realized that I did actually sign up for the Yale speech tournament and it is on September 22nd and I do have to get my original oratory done. And guess when it was originally due? August 1st.

Anyhow, I tried to get typing but frankly, I had just come out of a three-day word marathon. I had practically lived on the living room couch with my laptop. I had written 20,000 words in three days. I didn't particularly want to do it.

I ended up sending my coach an email asking for more time. She let me have a week. But I was still in a post-NaNo haze for much of that time, so it didn't get done then either.

By now I was pretty sure this wasn't going to happen, so I told my coach I wasn't going to go. Then my other coach jumped in and said he did want me to go to this tournament as originally planned and was willing to give me five more days.

Therefore, I am writing again now.